What Does It Mean To Be a Totally Present Parent?
What does it mean for a parent to be “totally present” to their child or children?
While the speed of our modern lifestyle is ever increasing with the demands on our time and attention, every choice has its own outcomes, both good and bad. The choices you make in the way you interact with your child are no different.
I recently spoke with a mom who discussed some concerns related to her children. Through our discussion, I recognized differences in the perception by this mom regarding how much “present” time she spends with her children, as opposed to how “present” her children may perceive her to be in the same instances. While I listened and observed, I witnessed a great deal of multi-tasking. This resulted in several instances of incorrect frequency, intensity, and duration of her emotions and/or responses toward her child. It was clear that much of her attention was focused on her own thoughts, conversing with me, worries, hopes, stories about her children, and keeping the family moving forward in the commitments of the day. You likely know the commitments that I’m referring to – those commitments that are commonplace for families with socially perceived “good” parents. They are scheduled activities, academic programming (even for toddlers), organized sports, or other structured time so that their kids “get what they need”-as a standard set by society. This begs the question: do kids really need so many structured activities, and are these activities really benefiting the child, or are they actually for the parent? But that’s a topic for another day. Being totally present is not just an act in the moment; it’s a mindset, a constant choice in every second of each day, to be there fully for your kids, even when life is throwing its worst at you. Parents are expert multi-taskers; just look in the mirror to see a superhero who juggles not only their responsibilities but also the commitments and responsibilities of several other people. However, to allow yourself to be totally present for your kids, allow those other worries to fade away, even for a few moments. And I know how hard that can be-I have adult children and I still struggle with being totally present for them!
If you’re unsure if you are being totally present for your children, here are a couple less obvious questions (as opposed to “were you making eye contact?, etc) to stimulate thought about a few of the common outcomes that I see when parents don’t take as much time to be present for their child(ren) as their children expect:
What does your tone of voice communicate to your child? Too often I hear unintended sarcasm or harsh tones that would be used in adult communication because the child is interrupting the parent’s multi-tasking.
Why is your child being disrespectful? If your toddler is demonstrating disrespect, you need to explore their purpose. Are they trying to get your undivided attention and achieve it in the way that works, since their socially appropriate methods have resulted in a lack of response from you? Or is it one of those moments where your child is just being a kid, tantrums and all?
How can you tell if the misbehaviors seen in your child need to be dealt with behaviorally? If you can figure out the root of the misbehavior, which is not always easy or even possible sometimes, then you can decide whether it should result in punishment or just a shift in both strategy and perception. I often see parents dealing with their child’s poor behavior without recognizing it is not a behavioral issue at all. Instead, it may be an issue with the child’s ability to keep up with the parent’s pace and the schedule that has been planned for them.
To be present to the greatest treasure we’ve been blessed with means to put aside everything; in order to place our children center stage, and to partner with them in the journey they are undertaking as children. I’ve witnessed amazing things when a parent gives their child even 15 minutes of undivided, totally present attention.
I’ve come to believe that it is the mental intention, not the physical action that defines what being present to your child means in each family. Many of us parents get hung up on the advice that we take in over the years, whether it’s from the books we read, memories we have of being a child ourselves, or the advice of well-meaning friends and family. We come into parenthood and do those things because that’s what was demonstrated to us. From both my personal and professional experience, the parents who felt they did the best for their children were the ones who were totally present during the times they were interacting, regardless of duration.
There’s no set method.
No set period of time is required.
No special things or toys.
It’s really about your intention to give your full attention that results in being totally present to your children, or anyone really, whenever you interact.